Building Couple Time Tip: Keeping Your Love Alive
Make time for couple excitement, passion and sex-life, without compromising your children’s needs for routine, safety and security.
Babies and children thrive on routine, in fact, it helps them to feel safe and secure. Routines such as eating at regular times, play time, nap time, bath time, and bedtime, to name a few, help children feel secure and happy. Unfortunately, the same routines that can help babies and children feel happy and secure, are big sex killers for couples. Why is this?
In her book, Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel talks about “When Three ThreatensTwo”. She states, “Many of the couples I see trace the demise of their erotic life back to the arrival of the first child.”
As a Marriage and Family Therapist coaching couples with young children for over 25 years, I agree. Couples report many changes when their first child comes along. This includes major changes in their sex life. I know this may seem obvious, but there are things you can do to help keep your sex life and love alive after children.
Eroticism and an exciting sex life for couples thrive on mystery, surprise and novelty. For example, you might call you partner or text them at work and let them know you have a surprise for them when they get home, or after the kids go to bed. Of course, you have a lock on your bedroom door. Another example is you see each other from across the room and you smile a seductive smile at them. It’s the “we really shouldn’t do this, but lets… ”
Parents with newborns, please be patient with each other. It is common that both of you are fatigued and very focused on your baby. In fact, many moms report feeling touched out, from being with baby all day and may need some time and space to herself.
Remember, giving each other breaks and helping with childcare and chores can lead to feelings of appreciation and gratitude, which can open the door to a more loving couple relationship.
Please make time for surprises, excitement, and love in your couple relationship. You really can do this without compromising your children’s needs for routine, safety and security.